My Affairs are in Order
A Physicians Life Review in Case of Death from the Coronavirus
“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
What will we do with the time that is given us?
Now we have more time than we ever thought we needed.
I am a board certified internist who has practiced evidence based Medicine from my heart for nearly three decades. I left Corporate Medicine two decades ago, as I could not practice from what it had become. I struggled alone, seemingly in solitary confinement, from an inner place that was sacred to me. I am not famous or popular. I am merely a physician dedicated to my patients and to the art and science of Medicine. My focus is to prevent disease, and when it appears, to assist my patients in its reversal. Am I holistic? Not really. I am evidence based. I LOVE science, medicine, pathophysiology and how to transform the body back to health, it’s natural state. This has been my craft. Applied science with love and dedication to health.
Before Coronavirus (BC) many of my patients would say, “I don’t have time for health because my job is so demanding”. “I don’t have 15 minutes a day to exercise or shop for healthy food. All I have time for is the fast food drive through and to eat in my car.”
This reality has changed now. Maybe this time we are ‘given’ is the reset we needed.
When Coronavirus cases were emerging in my state, (Wisconsin), I remember being on my morning walk.
A sense of peace came over me.
I felt that if I were to die from this, I was ready. I dedicated my life to my Soul work, my patients and my love of Medicine since I was young.
I am not afraid to die.
In addition, my ‘affairs’ are already in order.
When I look back at my life, I would do nothing differently than what I have done. I have spent my life as consciously as I humanly can (barring my own limits of awareness) serving my purpose, my inner growth and the essence of Medicine. I can die in peace doing what I love.
Since COVID-19, I have recommitted myself to my Sacred Path.
In midlife, I (with great difficulty) withdrew myself from intensely abusive relationships in the service of Individuation, and made the sacrifices my Soul asked me to make. I had suffered greatly, (and still do) some of those losses. I have had to view my life from my Soul’s context, not my ego’s, to be able to bear those losses, and had to re-orient and re-organize the remainder of my life around healthy choices, not what I was conditioned to normalize.
I dedicated the second half of my life to living from my Soul. I have come to terms with how limited my ego’s ‘knowing’ is. I surrender my ego every day to serve my Soul. It is a process. Some days are easier than others, but this requires vigilance and dedication. It’s the hardest work I have every done and will continue to do. I am dedicated to working with a Jungian analyst for the rest of my life. I will not give that up even for dirth of money. It is the food my Soul craves.
I remember making a promise to myself when I left Corporate Medicine 21 years ago, that even if I had to live in a trailer home to practice Medicine from its essence, I would not give up three things -
1. Organic food
2. A good education for my children
3. Daily exercise
It was that simple.
As I revisit my life now, I find myself in a daily life review (as one never knows when one’s time is up). I feel good about having been true to those promises.
Today, I promise myself this:
- I will continue to serve the essence of Medicine and be dedicated to helping my patients attain health.
- I will walk my talk and live authentically.
- I will daily rededicate my life to my patients till my dying day.
And, I will NOT give up these three things even for dirth of money:
1. Organic food
2. A good education for myself
3. Daily exercise.
The paradox of this Pandemic has made what I value very clear. It has unveiled my passion for an authentic life even more deeply. And I hope it will make me a better person and physician.
What do you value? What have you learned from this time you have been given? What are you going to spend the rest of your life dedicated to? Has what you truly value revealed itself to you during this time of pause?
These are the sublime gifts of stillness and loss we often fail to see. And when we are grieving, we can dedicate ourselves to what gives us meaning.
May we place ourselves on the altar of our Soul and serve It through our actions from this day forward.
May we have the courage to dedicate our lives to what truly matters.
